September 06, 2012

Single Single...Life

I have gone back and forth trying to decide if I would write this post. I was not sure if I wanted to be so candid about my life but I am reminded that GOD blesses and delivers you to bless and deliver someone else. So......

September 4, 2004 I stood in front of my family, friends and GOD and married a man who I thought was the love of my life. Today 8 years later I am divorced and single. When I got married at 27 I NEVER thought that I would be single at 35.

When I decided that I wanted to start dating again it was hard. I can remember telling my brother that this whole dating scene was not what I wanted. I had dated my ex husband for about 3 yrs before we got engaged so it was difficult for me to step back in the dating scene. I can be honest and say that when I decided to start dating again I wasn't seeking GOD for the man HE had for me. I was still growing in CHRIST...AMEN! So needless to say that my relationships were short lived and usually sexual.

In April 2011 I finally made the decision to stop talking to a guy that I really liked because he was not willing to make a commitment so I decided to take a break from dating and focus on my relationship with GOD. I was tired of giving so much of myself (physically and mentally) to others. I knew that if I seeked GOD HE would pour into my spirit.

After about 9 months of not dating and spending time with GOD I met someone who I thought was good for me. I can remember GOD telling me one night as I was sitting on the end of my bed that HE was going to send me someone that truly loves me. HE reminded me of my relationships with my girlfriends. He said you feel love from them...right? I sent them to you....Surely I will send you a husband that will love you. I smiled and thought well GOD you sent me someone already....

Little did I know then that GOD was telling me that guy was not the one. I talk about my disobedience of that relationship in a previous blog.

Today...right now as I am writing this I am enjoying being single. Last week I was emotional and really feeling the blues that I am 35 single with no biological kids of my own. I wanted to write this post to say I struggle with being single and really giving up control of the relationship area of my life. Wheeew.....saying that out loud is freeing! WOW

I TRUST GOD with every area of my life EXCEPT the relationship area. I have given GOD every area of my life EXCEPT the relationship area. I don’t stress over anything EXCEPT the relationship area. I go to GOD about every area of my life EXCEPT the relationship area. I need a moment after writing that....

This makes me sad! I am telling GOD that HE is not good enough to handle my relationships. It is like me looking HIM in the face and telling HIM that I don’t trust HIM enough to get it right. Like I can do it better....

That is clearly not true! Hello that is why I am divorced and single because I had my hands in the mix ALL this time. I need to let go (exhaling) and KNOW that HE is GOD!

My declaration to GOD: I throw up my hands and surrender to YOU GOD! I am giving YOU EVERY area of my life to include the relationship area. Like YOU said YOU did great in sending me the BEST girlfriends (LOVE YOU LADIES) YOU will do the same when it is time to send me a husband.

Until then I will continue to allow YOU to mold me and shape me into YOUR masterpiece. I will stay out of my own way and TRUST YOU GOD!

During this transition I will not concern my time with dating or finding a husband but with pleasing YOU As Paul discussed in 1 Corinthians 7:34 a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the LORD and holy in body and in spirit (Read 1 Corinthians 7:25-40 in depth).

When I feel myself getting emotional I will draw closer to GOD and remember that my JOY comes from HIM!

Again I pray that my words blessed someone as it always blesses me to be real with my feelings and GOD!

Blessings

A'keta Julinate'